One fall day, a young girl and her friend came home from school and stopped when the girl reached her house. Her friend asked her if she wanted to come to her house and the girl decided to call her mother first, knowing that she would want to know where she was. She quickly asked her mother in French whether she could go to her friend's house and was surprised by her mother's answer. No? The girl was not allowed? In an impulsive, angry manner she hung up the phone on her mother, which she soon realized was not a good idea. Thinking to herself that things would get ugly when her mother returned home, she said goodbye to her friend and skipped up the front steps of her home. She waited and waited, and finally she saw her mother climb up the front steps to the front door. Bracing herself for the worst, the girl was surprised by her mother's reaction, to say the least. She greeted the girl with a cheerful bonjour, and walked into the living room with the girl's father. The girl may have only been 11 years old, but she knew when something was not right. What was going on?
Her parents told her that they needed to speak with her about something. The girl had no idea what to expect. Would it be good news... or bad news? Her father made a brief introduction about how jobs were not easy to come by and that when there was an opportunity, it had to be taken. The girl knew that finding a job was not like picking a cherry off of a tree, but, what did this have to do with her? The next words that escaped the mouth of her eloquent father, were words that she knew she would never forget.
A job offer... in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia? The girl could not even pronounce these words, let alone imagine what life would be like there. Not knowing how to react, tears begin to trail down her face. Moving to this place, to Malaysia, would mean leaving her best friends and leaving the place that she had come to call her home. The girl had lived overseas before, Pakistan and Abu Dhabi were places that she had discovered at a very young age, but when she and her family moved to Davis, California, she was told that they would not move again, that this was their home. In a way of trying to reassure her, the girl's parents stated that they would come back to their beloved small town every summer and that she could see her friends again. In a shaky and tear-filled manner, the girl inquired once again if she could go to her friend's house, and this time her parents agreed. After leaving an incomprehensible message on the phone, she left to go break the news to her best friend.
She walked up the walkway to her friend's front door with wet and swollen eyes. Her friend raced to the door wondering what on Earth had happened to the girl. She sat down on the couch and attempting to form sentences, told her friend the horrific news. At first the friend didn't believe that such a thing was true. Malaysia? Neither of them had even heard of this place before. But after seeing the tears continuously roll down the girl's face, she understood that this was serious. Both girls sat on that couch, crying, and not knowing what would come of the future. And that moment, on that couch in her best friend's home, was the first time the young 11 year old girl had ever seen her best friend cry.
Her parents told her that they needed to speak with her about something. The girl had no idea what to expect. Would it be good news... or bad news? Her father made a brief introduction about how jobs were not easy to come by and that when there was an opportunity, it had to be taken. The girl knew that finding a job was not like picking a cherry off of a tree, but, what did this have to do with her? The next words that escaped the mouth of her eloquent father, were words that she knew she would never forget.
A job offer... in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia? The girl could not even pronounce these words, let alone imagine what life would be like there. Not knowing how to react, tears begin to trail down her face. Moving to this place, to Malaysia, would mean leaving her best friends and leaving the place that she had come to call her home. The girl had lived overseas before, Pakistan and Abu Dhabi were places that she had discovered at a very young age, but when she and her family moved to Davis, California, she was told that they would not move again, that this was their home. In a way of trying to reassure her, the girl's parents stated that they would come back to their beloved small town every summer and that she could see her friends again. In a shaky and tear-filled manner, the girl inquired once again if she could go to her friend's house, and this time her parents agreed. After leaving an incomprehensible message on the phone, she left to go break the news to her best friend.
She walked up the walkway to her friend's front door with wet and swollen eyes. Her friend raced to the door wondering what on Earth had happened to the girl. She sat down on the couch and attempting to form sentences, told her friend the horrific news. At first the friend didn't believe that such a thing was true. Malaysia? Neither of them had even heard of this place before. But after seeing the tears continuously roll down the girl's face, she understood that this was serious. Both girls sat on that couch, crying, and not knowing what would come of the future. And that moment, on that couch in her best friend's home, was the first time the young 11 year old girl had ever seen her best friend cry.
The way in which you lead towards the end was done very well. You wrote at a controlled, yet increasing (towards the end) pace which made me feel the intensity build up as the story went on. At first, it didn't seem as though the story would end in a teary way but as you told the story the sadness grew and grew which impacted the "breaking news" the little girl had to hear. Your story was really interesting and well-thought out.
ReplyDeleteI like the transition throughout the whole piece, and how you wrote in such a flowing manner. I also liked how you started off describing how wrong you were to be angry with your mother and you were anticipating "the worst," which made the news have a lot more of an impact on the readers. I wish it was longer though! Maybe you could have continued on how this decision would affect your life, etc. But otherwise it was really good! Good job, Olivia!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ilya on the transitions: everything flowed so smoothly. I enjoyed reading this because I could relate. When I first heard I was moving to Kuala Lumpur I didn't know what to expect either. I especially admire your honesty throughout the post, like describing your emotions, and admitting your mistake (hanging up on your mother). I would suggest limiting the amount of questions your include, primarily the one word ones like "No?" and "Malaysia?" However it was still a very enjoyable post to read and very well written.
ReplyDeleteYou pull us into the story and and keep us curious from the start. The line "The next words that escaped the mouth of her eloquent father, were words that she knew she would never forget." is especially good at keeping us wanting to find out what will happen! The first part of the story could be trimmed a bit, with a little more clarification--the "girl" and "friend" was a bit confusing. A name would help. The sincerity of your story really came through! Good job! I agree with the first post: it seemed like a well-planned story. Also agree with post #2--we'd like to read more!
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